Monday, June 26, 2017

It's been a year

Here I sit, Not knowing how to start  This is a sad day, although I've had many in the past year or two. Some happy ones, too, But today I am focused on the sadness and grief this day, June 26, 2016 brought us.
That morning Kevin drew his last painful breath. He stopped breathing. No words uttered. Eyes remained closed. His life ended  Kevin died one year ago today.

Sometimes I dwell on the "what ifs" and bring myself down over actions we should've taken long before he became sick. But that comes from hindsight.  

After he was diagnosed with cancer, we met so many cancer victims and were focused on the ones who were persevering. Survivors who fought to beat the odds that were stacked against them. Kevin found comfort in their courage and faith. Faith in doctors, nurses, family, friends, Specifically, faith in Florida Cancer Specialists and Research Institute.

Kevin also recognized how hard the horrible path was for those who lost that battle. It was devastating. Thoughts of their struggles were in the back of his mind while he tried to concentrate on getting better. 

Chemotherapy and radiation treatments ravage the body about as much as the cancer they fight. No one can imagine the effects of both the disease and treatment have on the human body. We need not only find a cure, but we also need prevention.

On that day a year ago, all I could feel was the huge hole in my heart.  I thought about the hole in many people's hearts. Those who loved and appreciated Kevin. I didn't think about everyone else who's died and left other holes in our hearts. Just Kevin. I did before and have since thought about others I've cared about who've died. But not on that day.

We had a good life together. Just now I walked around the house and took a couple of pictures of photos  we had/have scattered around. Thankfully, we always took pictures to remind us  of happy times:

On my desk is a picture I took of Kevin at the Boynton Beach G.A.L.A. (art & craft fair) in the early 90's. And Kevin always had this picture of us on his desk. It is of us at the hotel's Tiki hut bar on Sanibel Island in the mid 90's. We spent a few vacations there wandering the beaches that were covered with seashells.

A kiss we shared on our wedding day. And Kevin wearing his Buzz Lightyear  3-D glasses at Disney. Kevin wrote the messages on the wooden conversation hearts for this photo frame.

Yes, it's been a tough year. However, I've had so much support and felt loved by friends and family. That's what gets me through tough times, blue phases. I made new friends. And am taking care of myself.  

I have a head full of thoughts I want to share and write about. Some other time. Not now. Not today.

Our wonderful memories and Kevin's spirit have filled that hole in my heart. It still hurts. I still miss him.

I  love you Kevin.

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