That was bothering me a whole lot, being back in the hospital setting. I told you in my last post my neighbor adored Kevin and still does. Every time I see him he asks me now about what it was like for Kevin when he was in the hospital. I keep telling him it was a lot different and try to get away from the subject. It's been quite a strange New Year, so far.
I was really looking forward to Grief Support Group last Thursday. I had some issues I wanted to bring up, but a knew member took up the hour-long session bitching about her stepdaughters. She just seemed so spiteful. For some reason I was so upset by her attitude. I was nearly in tears by the time I left.
Anyhow, I lost my wedding ring in the yard while I was throwing crackers to the crows. It was early last week when it was cold out. It isn't my original wedding ring. It is a silver ring we bought for me because my real one was too tight. I've worn this one fore years. The past years or so, my knuckles must be shrinking and it would easily slip off my finger, especially when my hands are cold.
When Kevin died, I put his ring on the same finger, behind the silver ring. His ring is larger.
I've been feeding the crows for the past year. We had stale crackers, so I tossed some on the lawn for the crows. I did so every few days and then I ran out of crackers. Well, by then it was a habit for both me and the birds, so I started buying the cheapest saltines, I could find to carry on the feedings.
Last week as I lobbed a cracker in the air with a sweeping stroke, both rings flew off my finger. I immediately spotted Kevin's ring as it landed under a shrub. I would be very mad at myself if I'd lost his ring. But, mine was not in sight and I've searched several times with no luck.
The problem is I feel like I've betrayed Kevin. Isn't that a bit far fetched? Yet, I felt terrible. And still do, even though I've admitted to myself that I didn't lose it on purpose. It wasn't even my real wedding ring, just an inexpensive substitute. Yet, something gnaws at me about it.
I wanted to bring this up at Grief Support, just to see if others have had similar incidents. But, instead I listened to how this woman is in charge of her husband's estate and how she might get back at his daughters.
The rings. I should've heeded warnings lately. I took off my garden gloves a couple of weeks ago and the rings stayed in the glove's finger. A couple of months ago they slipped off while I was washing dishes. I kept telling myself to stop wearing them, but my finger feels funny without them. Now, I have no choice as Kevin's ring is too big for me to wear on any of my fingers. I have other rings, but they are all too big or too small. What a conundrum.
My other issue is: sometimes when I am deep in thought or tired, I still think Kevin is alive and here, like the old normal days. And then I snap back to reality and I can't help but feel very sad. I am getting use to being alone. Of course, I talk to the cat a lot. But, I miss Kevin so much.
Antsy Artist Redux is doing fine, thanks to Serena who is posting photos from my Etsy store on Instagram. antsynancyco in case you are interested. Last week I had an order for the most items, ever. They ordered eight ID wallets, sent me a very nice note and favorited my shop.
I am doing a Farmers Market in Brooksville this Saturday (now have to talk another neighbor into dropping the Mrs.off at HealthSouth that morning) and I doing Swamp Fest at Weeki Wachee Springs State Park the first weekend in March. That one's a three-day show.
The last time we did Swamp Fest it was held in a county park. I had sales the first of the three-day show, but by late afternoon on Saturday we had a terrible storm and the rest of the weekend was cancelled. It wasn't one of Kevin's favorite shows. I am hoping I'll have a better experience this time.
Here are pictures I want to share:
At Roger Dean Stadium in Jupiter March 2013
Maia, Taryn, Kevin and Stephanie
Me, Micky, Kevin Georgia and Cathy February 2013
Kevin and James Joyce at Raglan Road 2013
Kevin's favorite Bromeliad is blooming!
Kevin was busy doodling in the sky this morning.
I guess that's it,for now. Have a great rest of your week and watch the sky for signs from Kevin. Thank you for your support and caring. Love and hugs to all.