Sunday, November 6, 2016

Let's Talk About the Election (Just Kidding)

Just one thing. I like the tradition of voting on Election Day. So did Kevin. We early voted once and it seemed anticlimactic.  We had to stand in line and vote in some dinky little office. It had one quirky voting machine that didn't seem to work quite right. It was the 2012 Presidential Election. There were worries that some voters may get turned away and the best solution would be to vote early so any doubts could be worked out ahead of time.

So, I am holding my vote until Tuesday. Can't say that I will miss all of the craziness that's been going on during this election cycle. 

I was given a handout when I started attending the Hospice Grief Support Group. It has a lot of good information, including a task time line guide for getting through the grief process. 

From 0-3 months the Task is to mentally acknowledge the reality of the death, which involves getting through feeling numb, shocked, automatic/robotic responses, disbelief.

Tasks 2 and 3 deal with emotionally acknowledging the reality of the death, emotions range from unexpected outbursts of emotion and feeling like you are going crazy. And expression of the grief, through emotional, verbal,. artistic and physical expression.

Six to nine months is about the time for exploring one's self without physical presence of  loved one. According to the time line Task 4 is when a grieving person may start searching for a new self-identity: reevaluate  belief systems, develop new relationships, do some volunteering, get into new hobbies, return to old hobbies.

At some point last week I thought I was at that point. I took on the task of reopening my Etsy Shop, which is more work than you might think. A customer had written me a couple of months ago looking for another phone pouch. She'd noticed my shop was closed and was happy to finally hear from me. We went back and forth for a few days. about my creating a larger pouch to accommodate her larger phone. Doing this means getting the phone dimensions and working up a pattern for the new line of pouches and then sewing it.  I am also going through my inventory, culling out things I will no longer list, freshening some pieces with a new coat of varnish and making sure everything is in good condition after being packed away for a year and a half.

At the same time I am rounding up things to put in a yard sale next weekend. Doing so is off and on emotional despite where I feel I am regarding the task time line. Not so much of an emotional attachment to the objects I am getting rid of, but feeling emotional over the things I keep. 

I finally asked my customer for time for me to get settled and then I will make the pouch. Haven't heard back from her. I feel bad getting her hoped up and then having to ask her to wait.

So, I started out feeling cocky and ready to face reality. As the week wore on, I began feeling overwhelmed by the large bites I'd taken and fearful I am going to fail on everything I am trying to accomplish.

It is like growing up, again. But the safety net is old and has big holes in it. It isn't that I expect miracles nor do I ever think life could ever be as perfect as it was when I had Kevin here with me.

Taking on too many things at one time isn't new for me. I went through feeling lost and like a failure  when I was a child. At times it was devastating, but I got through it. Kevin was king at keeping things in perspective and reminding me to act like a human instead of trying to be a super human. I miss him so much.

The best part about last week was going to the gym, Tone U and  working out via the toning tables. I am still walking about two miles a day. My leg, knee and hip are feeling better and I  have more energy. Also love that Tone U is free because of my health insurance. 

Another happy spot has been our cat. She's been pretty lethargic and wasn't eating well. But this past week, she  is back to eating and coaxing me to play catch with her, daring me to grab her toys away from her. Here she is yesterday, with her favorites:

So you must be able to tell from this post, just how I am on an emotional roller coaster ride, despite my initial upbeat, positive outlook for the week. Maybe this is how it will be. Laura, the grief support group leader called and left me a message last week, checking on me and offering one on one support if I feel the need. I may call her. On Tuesday I am going to the support for getting through the holidays workshop and Thursday the grief support group meets, so I should be getting a hefty amount of attention and aid this week. As long as I have time to get all of the other things done. :)

Thank you for reading my posts and for your concerns, responses. Have a good week. Be healthy and happy.

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