Thursday, September 15, 2016

That kind of day

This is my sharing of grief, loss and the daily act of coping with the death of my loving husband, Kevin. He passed away on June 26th after a devastating year-long battle with lung cancer that metastasized. 

Yes it was that kind of day. This morning started out on track. Thanks to MapMyWalk I can tell you I walked 2.14 miles in 41.50 minutes. Was about the same yesterday, but it took me longer Tuesday, because I stopped to talk to neighbors and forgot to put the app on pause.

I did some picking up, a load of wash and had my Cheerios when I returned home. Then I got this bright idea of making both potato salad and macaroni salad at the same time. I hadn't made either in years before I stayed with Stephanie last month. One day I made potato salad and it tasted pretty good, A week or so later I made macaroni salad and it tasted good, too. I hadn't made it in years because Kevin was particular about what he ate. He didn't like his foods touching each other, so casseroles and most multi-ingredient dishes were not on his list. Especially if an ingredient was boiled eggs.

Short story long

I thought, similar ingredients meant less time spent prepping, if I made both salads at once. In the first place, I had to keep back tracking making sure I wasn't getting the recipes mixed up. To top it off, I was cutting both recipes in half and had to be careful to adjust amounts. First I cut up the veggies and mixed the  I was boiling eggs for the macaroni salad. Then cooking the potatoes followed by the macaroni. I ended up with a sink full of dishes. It was a  little crazy but I was managing and kept patting myself on the back as this would mean already prepared food for the next few days.

I put the macaroni salad together first. Since the macaroni was still warm, I put the lid on loosely and placed it on a shelf in the fridge. Then I went back to cutting up the potatoes and putting that salad together.

I popped it into the fridge, next to the macaroni salad. I was on a roll and then it happened. The two containers collided and the macaroni salad slid out of the fridge and on the floor. The way it landed, half of the salad was all over the floor. Worse yet, for some unknown but ridiculous reason the A/C vent for the kitchen is in the floor, directly in front of the fridge. Some of the salad ended up in the vent. Yuck

"Damn it all to hell," I shouted as I looked at the mess in the vent and then wondered where that phrase came from. Oh yes, it was what my father said the time he was on the second floor of our house, removing an old chimney and I get too close to the big hole in the floor. Must have been winter as I remember I was wearing my snow suit and boots. Of course I fell into the hole. My dad grabbed my arms and said, "Damn it all to hell," as he yelled for my mother to run into the downstairs living room and help ease me down. Lucky for me this time the worse part was cleaning macaroni out of a hole in the floor.

Back to the salad disaster. By now it was afternoon and our cat who had crawled off for a nap, came running into to see what was going on. She sniffed the macaroni, turned around and headed back to her nap spot. I cleaned up the mess while growling at myself for wasting food. Just then I felt Kevin standing behind me with a frown on his face. I know he was advising me, as he always did when I had something like this happen, to settle down. Don't get so upset. Everything is okay.Turn off the A/C and clean up the mess before the whole house smells like boiled eggs.

Kevin would probably think, "Oh well, I wasn't going to eat any of that."

I forgot to turn the A/C back on until I realized it was getting warm in the house, a couple of hours later.

There went my day

This wasn't what I planned to do all day. I was very frustrated, even sobbing. Once I cleaned up the mess, washed the dishes and straightened up the kitchen, I sat for a while. I had a conversation with Kevin. It is so hard, adjusting. I feel rattled. I push myself to stay busy. I always like being busy and doing projects, as it is. Now, I feel the need to be constantly occupied rather than idle with time to feel sad and lonely. I miss him.

Life is so different. We had our routines. For me it took the  two of us to manage  day-to-day.

I say, "Damn it all to hell," to cancer.

Thank you for reading my post for today.

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