Tuesday, September 27, 2016

My walk today and how I hate cancer

This is my sharing of grief, loss and the daily act of coping with the death of my loving husband, Kevin. He passed away on June 26th after a devastating year-long battle with lung cancer that metastasized. 

I walked 2.5 miles this morning. The time it took me kind of sucked. I made a few necessary stops on the way and forgot to pause it. The weather at 8 a.m. is much nicer than it has been. Not so humid in the high 70's and lots of fresh air. This will be a pictorial and mindful thinking of the past year tour. So, get those walking shoes on and let's go,

Here is a list of things I want to address today (in case I forget something).

Stop at Roy and Martha's
Talk to Ron at the guardhouse
Walk past Kevin's windows at Oak Hill Hospital
My rant on cancer
Dog park is heaven - next time
Tree is abuzz with wood wasps

First here is my walk map app results and the route I took. Please disregard all of the stat stuff. I am showing this because it helps with following this post. Just scroll down. The point at the bottom where I started back home is where the guardhouse is located. Near the bottom left-hand corner you see Oak Hill Hospital.

 Map of my walk this morning:

I decided to head west when I left the driveway, and avoid the bright morning sun shining in my eyes. When I got to the corner of the boulevard, I stopped to say Hi to Martha and Roy. I asked Roy if it is an easy task or lost cause to fix the cord on our old lawn mower. The other day I tried to start it and the cord got stuck about halfway back into the casing and I couldn't get it to budge. Roy offered to take a look and hopefully, get it put back together.

I explained how I just wanted to make sure it still works before selling it. I went to the dentist yesterday and now have an extensive and costly treatment plan ahead. It is stuff that has to be done ASAP. So, now I am looking for ways to raise some cash. Medicare doesn't care about teeth. Actually, I have two dentists. They are a young couple who recently opened a branch to her father's dentistry practice and it is conveniently located for me. Very nice couple.

Next I hit the boulevard and headed south to the guardhouse. Ron, remember Ron from my last post?
Ron is on duty this morning. I'd sent him a link to that post yesterday and wanted to make sure he realized the email I sent was from me. No problem. He was calling out thanking me as I approached. He liked it and that is always a good thing. Talked to Ron about Horst's and Liz's annual holiday yard exhibit/neighborhood get together. He says he will wear his Santa suit for it this year. We have some other ideas up our sleeves.

It's the cancer et al


While I was walking to the guardhouse my mind was on the hardest months in Kevin's life. I don't know about anyone else, but I always have regrets as I go over all that happened. I am haunted by what if I'd pushed harder with questions and fears. I must keep reminding myself that whole thing about hindsight: understanding of a situation or event only after it has happened or developed. 

I wonder now, if chemo was beginning to fail Kevin last fall. According to lab work and other indications at the time, when his first round of treatments came to an end, cancer marker numbers had significantly dropped which is good. I can't find anything about it on the internet, but I wonder if several blood transfusion just before the markers were checked, had influenced the results. Was a huge drop. Cancer was not in remission, but slowed. The tumor in his brain was gone and his lungs were pretty clear. It was time for Kevin to take a break from chemo treatments, he was doing fine for a few months, then we went from one problem to another, every organ, his blood, circulatory, kidneys, heart, eyesight, strength, mind turned on him.. It all went downhill.

It was like the AFLAC duck in the commercial trying to cover holes in a leaky row boat. More holes keep happening and spouting water. Before long doctors were scrambling to cover the holes.

As much as Kevin hated being in the hospital, he was comforted to be in Oak Hill Hospital which was right next door to our community. The windows on the end of this wing of Oak Hill were at the end of each hallway and Kevin spent time on the second through fifth floors.

Up until the last time he was admitted there, he always looked forward to a walk down the hall to the window where he could almost see home. He would follow the tree tops that lined the boulevard north to the back of the development to where we lived.

Pictures from High Point looking up at Kevin's windows.  


       

Kevin looking for home when he was on the third floor Oct. 19, 2015:





I hope I haven't lost anyone yet. Am getting to the point. All of this thinking makes me sad, feeling low, but understanding more about cancer. Kevin's body broke down because of the cancer and the drugs, methods used in treatment. The things that are suppose to save cancer victims can destroy everything.Kevin suffered so much. Even so, he wanted to live. .

In the first place, let's pray a REAL cancer cure is discovered and available to all. Now. One that cures for good, with no side or after effects. That's my Birthday wish until a real cure really rids our world of cancer. I fully expect it to happen before I quit celebrating birthdays. 

The chemotherapy treatments, the radiation sessions, the drugs, the surgeries, all we've had for fighting cancer is not enough. Too many people suffer. Too many people die. Too many families struggle at the suffering and loss of those they love. We run. We walk. We donate. We give. We hope, pray.  We hear always how a cure is around the corner. Maybe as simple as a vaccine. Won't be long so in the meantime stick to the tried and (not so) true.

I don't need to go into the business of cancer and I have no idea if greedy drug companies are hindering the finding of a cure. Nor do any of us need to be schooled on the years it takes to research, study and approve a possible cure. Just let's put all of the great minds together and do it. Granted great strides have been made, but not until cancer is eradicated, should we rest. 

I won't ever accept less. 

It is that time of year when beautiful trees like this Golden Rain Tree are favorite spots for carpenter wood wasps to prepare for cold weather. There are probably hundreds of then in this tree and you can hear the humming buzz as you approach. I think it is a sign. Cold weather is around the corner for our part of Florida which means, store the lawn tools.



Thank you for reading my blog posts. I appreciate it. Have a great day.

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