Monday, September 12, 2016

Loneliness and coping

This is my sharing of grief, loss and the daily act of coping with the death of my loving husband, Kevin. He passed away on June 26th after a devastating year-long battle with lung cancer that metastasized. 

I came home on Saturday. Stephanie and Serena brought me home and stayed with me until early this Monday morning as they both were scheduled to work this afternoon. While they were here, it was more like an extension of the five weeks I'd spent with them in Boynton Beach. On Saturday and Sunday we got out and walked a lot as well as binge-watched  Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix.When they left, my heart sank. I was homesick wanting to be with them and I missed Kevin more than ever.

It's been a rough day. Our house is filled with Kevin things and our things. For some reason we, Kevin and I weren't think-talking the way we were when I was in Boynton. Or maybe sort of, if you count my moaning and whimpering, because I feel so sad today. I would rather share happy thoughts and lighter conversations with him. I wasn't ready for this. While I was staying at Stephanie's I had their constant attention. And I shared the happiness that this brought me, with Kevin/ I think-talked with him about the changes and updates happening in our old home town. I explain to him why I took this picture or that one. Stephanie, Serena and I talked daily about what Kevin might think about this or that and we shared great memories that made us smile and brought me comfort.

Then coming home was like returning to a cold hard reality. A reality, I still can't accept. I always get homesick when our kids leave after a visit with us. That sick feeling in my tummy and a slight headache, accompanied by a case of feeling lonely. In the past, it would quickly subside because Kevin was here with me. Today it lingered and included my missing Kevin.

Now that I think about it, we were think-talking. The problem was my being so glum. Everything I did, reminded me that Kevin is gone. There didn't seem to be anything happy to share with him or at least not much. There was the back-log of mail, some offers of final expense packages for Kevin. There are tasks I've put off and now must deal with, such as dental work. I guess between the grim stack of mail and my procrastination, I wasn't making much effort to make things happy.

Projecting happiness was second nature while I was at Stephanie's. I was feeling more sensitive today and little things brought me to tears. For instance, I was looking for something and ran across some old pictures. Even these photos of Kevin risking the contents of his stomach as he accompanied Serena on various roller coaster rides made me sad. This was when his being sick and cancer wasn't in our thoughts. And yes, he liked wearing white T shirts.

Although it wasn't the best day ever, I am grateful for a few things that happened. I received a couple of heartfelt emails from friends, plus a visit and calls from our faithful friend Anna. We are planning on doing a one-day craft show next month and are already busy working out the details. Stephanie phoned letting me know they had a good trip home this morning. Then she called later for our daily chat as she drove home from work. Lastly was a sweet phone visit with Kevin's sister, Georgia.

I promised Kevin tomorrow will get better.

I told Anna, I have to get use to it. The being lonely and missing Kevin so much. She said that never happens. There is nothing to get use to. I guess time just makes it hurt less. Getting away from where all of the pain and loss happened is a temporary fix. Who knows.

Maybe this picturesque sunset photo I took last night was a sign from Kevin. He's reminding me his love is as intense, everlasting and beautiful as this evening sky.

Love and hugs to all and thank you for allowing me to share this journey with you.

1 comment:

  1. We miss you too and are looking forward to seeing you again soon. And we miss Kevin and think about him all the time. I don't know if the pain diminishes in time but I believe it will become less difficult to endure. The sadness and loneliness are feelings that will vary in intensity day by day. I imagine there will be highs and lows each day like a roller coaster. It is important to accept these emotions as they come. We can't get over pain without working through it first.

    I love the pictures of Kevin and Serena in the roller coasters. He was the only one of us brave enough to ride them and he never complained about it. We should make a scrapbook with pictures of good memories of Kevin like these the next time we are together.

    When I talked to you this evening I was happy to hear you had a better day today. I am always here for you and you are always welcome to visit us.

    Love and hugs,


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